Living in the Light and Leaving Darkness Behind

I have been thinking a lot about hate in the past couple of days. Our pastor preached an amazing sermon on Sunday about the topic and I can't get it off of my mind. I've never thought that I was a hater. I don't even like the word. After listening to him preach, however, I found out that I am, in fact, a hater. He said that hate is not simply what we would normally think of (murder, wishing ill will, etc.). Resentment and jealously fall into the same category as hate.

This is where I find myself. Too often, I fall into the "why" trap....Why can she have babies left and right and I can't? Why won't she take care of her kids? If that was my child, I would...I realize now, that I am no better than all the "shes" I am referring to. I question my God, my Savior, my Creator. Who am I to judge these moms. I don't know what they have been through. I don't know what it is like to have an addiction that I just can't shake. I don't know what it is like to have been through a tragedy like Katrina.

Yet, here I sit thinking that I am better than them. Thinking that I am more deserving of children. You have no idea how disgusted I feel with myself. The tears that I can't stop from flowing after I discovered my realization. No, I don't agree with the choices that people make. Still, I am to love the people, not the choices. To love is to walk in the light of Christ. To hate is to stumble in the darkness. I have been living in the darkness and not even realizing it.

I am recommitting myself to change this thinking. I am no longer judging these mothers of children that are in foster care...at least I am trying really hard not to. I am going to look at them as people that need the help and love that only Jesus Christ can provide. Only He can fulfill the holes that every one of us has in our life. So from here on out, I am no longer judging. I am only going to try to help anyone who needs Christ in their lives. I NEED Christ in my life, and I want His light to shine through me.

Lord, help me walk in the light and stay out of the darkness. Let your light shine through me.

Foster Parents Again

Well, we now have 2 more family members. Ashton and Cebastian came to stay with us yesterday evening. We were nervous because of all that they have been through. They came in and made themselves right at home. They were so excited to go to a new school and meet new friends. We spent some time talking to our new caseworker and he gave us as much information as he could. The boys did everything we asked them to, including going to bed!

Tonight, they have been a little more relaxed, and we have begun to train them in our routine. There are a few things that we have had to remind them about. They will have to learn that we expect them to obey us when we tell them. They are so sweet, though. They just want to please us and for us to be proud of them. It is going to be a wonderful journey.



In the past, we have just waited and waited for parental rights to be terminated, and kind of got caught up in all of that. This time, we are just going to enjoy the time we have together, and see where God leads us. This is His plan and not ours. I keep reminding myself of that fact!

More info on the Placement

I was shocked to find out that after Brian and I spoke yesterday afternoon, he called back and was able to get ahold of our licensing worker. He was able to ask some more of the questions that we wanted answers to. The boys' mom is in jail, not sure how long or what she did. The court has petitioned for termination of rights (or goal 24 in legal terms). That goal has not been changed yet, but mom is not getting any visits as of right now. They have a sister that is either 2 or 3 years old and she is living with a relative. The boys visit with the sister once per week. The relative(s) do not want the boys. (how sad) They have lived with a foster family for at least a year and have been noted as physically agressive based on 2 incidences. 1 was when one of the boys hit a dog with a wiffle ball bat (early in the placement) and the other is when one of the boys through a rock and broke a windshield (this is what has put the foster parents over the edge). Neither of those things seem like a big deal to me, the boys just need to be taught appropriate behaviors. Both boys have IEPs for speech, which is no big deal at all.

That's basically what we know for now and we have until Monday to make our decision (which has already been made, but we are not posting it here until we speak to our case worker).

Lord, we are so blessed. Thank you for all you have given to us.

Faith in Foster Care...Again?

So, just when we are starting to adjust to being "empty nesters" as I like to call it, we get a call today. It's a foster care placement for 2 boys ages 5 and 6. The parental rights are not terminated, however mom is in jail. What does God want us to do here? There are so many questions that I would have asked if I took the call. Brian took the call, and he wasn't really interested at first, so he didn't ask a lot of questions.

Now, we will think about this all weekend and wonder if it is God's will for us to take these children or not. I am not one that can be tapped on the shoulder by God...I need to be knocked upside the head with a 2x4. The problem is that I am ALWAYS one to take in the "strays" that no one else wants. So sometimes my heart is already sold on an idea no matter what my head says.

God make it clear to us if this is your will. We will listen.

Lifebook Training....a little too late

I love to scrapbook. I think it is so neat to have a nice book put together off all your memories. So when the kiddos lived with us, I put together a scrapbook for each kid. Well then they got full, so I started a second book for each kid. I wonder if they will look through those books and remember us fondly. I sure hope so.

So, today in the mail, I got a notice from our agency for lifebook training. This is somewhat like a scrapbook, but I really don't know the differences. Now, I have to go to this training (it's mandatory) with no kids to make one for. How I would have loved to know what should be included in a lifebook for our previous kids. I hope everything is there!

I will take the knowledge that I gain from the training and apply it to future kids. I am saddened, though, that I won't be able to put my ideas onto paper right away.

I pray that God will give me the comfort to go through this class. I pray that I will benefit from the training and apply to my future.

God's Grace Revealed Again

So, ever since the kids left I have been feeling a little nervous. I work in education and this year there have been a ton of cuts. I was really concerned that I would not be called back to my position. I have been prayerful over the past week that God reveal his plan for me. We will lose the income from having the kids placed with us. To combine that with a loss of a job was almost unbearable for me. I have been trying really hard to cast my worry upon the Lord. Nevertheless, I have been losing sleep over the potential of not having a job.

So this morning, I was headed into the school to help a friend get her classroom ready. I was praying the whole way for God to show me what I need to do. During my drive, I received a possible job offer from a daycare where I used to work. It would only be part time, but that would be better than nothing. I loved the daycare I worked at, but it was not my passion. I have a passion for working in the school and co-teaching with a great friend. I someday even hope to have a classroom all of my own.

When I arrived at the school, I spoke to the principal and she had still not been given the authority to offer me the position. There was all this red tape about seniority. Bear in mind that teachers return to school in 3 days. After being at the school for less than an hour, and the whole time thinking about the potential job at the daycare, God made it clear that I needed to be in this classroom. I needed the job as much as my dear friend needed me. Long story short, my principal was given the go-ahead to offer me the position. God showed me where I needed to be and revealed his grace to me yet again.

Throughout my life there has been this pattern of me trying to "fix" things on my own and then God showing me that I need to rely on HIM! Knowing this is easy, but for me, giving up the control has always been difficult. I praise God for his grace! I praise him for blessing me even when I lack faith. My God is soooo good!

This has been a very difficult week, and I am so thankful that God knows the outcome even when I do not!

Faith in the People that God Has Strategically Placed in Our Lives!

Wow! I am so completely overwhelmed right now. We just had an amazing service at church. The message really hit home with what we have been dealing with this past week. This was my most difficult day since the kids went home. It was so hard to be at church without them. They have become such a part of our church family. Many of the people that we have gotten to know, we got to know because of the kids.



With all of that being said, the people in our church absolutely amaze me! I have not cried since Monday when the kids left. Today I have been a blubbering case of tears. They are not really tears of sadness though. They are tears of gratitude to all the people that love us and care enough about us to tell us. They have been prayerful and encouraging. We have been so blessed to be in their lives.



I know God placed us in this church for many reasons. I also know that there are many reasons that we don't know. One of the reasons that I believe we were placed there was for today. We needed support of Christian friends. We needed those hugs. We needed good friends to cry with us and to give God the glory for this situation. It is overwhelming to know how many people have been praying all week for us.



I hope that all of you are as blessed as we are with your support system. I pray that when the time comes, I am able to give God the glory and be there for other people during their trials. I tend to sit back because I can't find the words that are necessary. I need God to help me take the risk and show people love like we were shown today.



Thank you Grace Church for being such a blessing to us!

Court Hearing Results

We had our court hearing on Monday 8/9/10. The judge listened to all the evidence that was presented. Our CASA worker recommended that the children not go back to their mother. The same recommendation was heard from the state's attorney, the case worker, DCFS, and the guardian ad lidem. Then her attorney spoke and he recommended that the kids return home quickly. After hearing all the evidence, the judge decided that the kids return home immediately. So at 3:30 we left the court house and by 8:00 that evening the kids were back with their bio mom for good. Our lives were turned upside down when these children were placed in our home and once again our life has been turned upside down. They left us as quickly as they came. After 2.5 years I would have hoped that the judge would have had enough heart to let us say goodbye properly.

With all that being said, I am so fortunate to have a great support system. My family has been amazing through this. Our friends have overwhelmed us with their kind words and support. We know that God placed these children with us for a reason, and apparently that reason has been fulfilled. We have to look at the big picture and what is best for the children. Being with their mother must be the intention that God has. We must have a different road to travel now.

So now we adjust back to the life of two. It is hard to walk by their rooms and see the empty beds. It has been torture to go through all their belongings and put them up. However, we are thankful that God answered our prayers and a permanent decision has been made.

For now we will take a break from foster care. I don't think we will take another placement unless parental rights have been terminated. It is too difficult. We will wait for the children God has intended us to raise. We will pray that his plan be revealed to us!

Postponed

Court was postponed to next Monday.

Faith in the Court System

Tomorrow we have a court hearing. It is the six month check up basically. It always makes me nervous to go to court because everything falls into the hands of the judge. I just always pray that the Lord is working through our judge. This time, we are pretty sure that we are just going to get a continuation. We've heard that the kids' mother's attorney is not going to be present. It is unlikely that anything will happen without her judge present. My heart wrenches for these children who've been put through termoil for 2.5 years and the system just keeps putting off a decision. I pray that something is decided soon for their permanency. Whether it be for them to go back home or to stay with us, I just pray that God gives me the compassion and courage to deal with it.