The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It has been a crazy busy, wonderful couple of weeks. Poor Ashton had to have his tonsils and adnoids removed last Thursday, and we have been trying to get him well since. He is doing great, but just trying to take it easy.

Taking it easy is not easy during the busiest time of the year. Our first Christmas together has been an absolute joy!! The kids got way too much stuff, and have been loving every moment of it! Both of our families have totally taken these kiddos in as their own. It has been truly wonderful. I feel so blessed to have them here.

They have also been opening up so much over the last few weeks. Today we were told again that we are the "best mom and dad." I did have to break down the other day and tell them about their birthmom's situation. Without going into details with them, it wasn't a pleasant conversation. They needed to hear it, though, so they could move on. Since then, they have only been more loving and open with us.

The boys have been telling us some of the things that they have gone through in the past, and every day, I am just SO thankful that they are with us. They are safe, healthy, and happy!! I couldn't ask for more :)

Lord, thank you for blessing me beyond my imagination. Thank you for blessing these children beyond theirs!

God's Amazing Timing

I am continuously amazed by God's perfect timing. For a couple of months, one of my preacher's wives has been trying to connect me with a friend of hers. She said we have similar stories and thought we should meet. I am not great with words, and never seem to say the right thing, so I was reluctant. But I knew God was telling me to go, so I obediently went. On the way, I just prayed that God use me however he deemed worthy. I would just follow his guidance.

When my new friend walked into Panera, I was immediately calmed and felt peace. She was so sweet, and there was absolutely nothing to be stressed about. We grabbed some dinner and had a wonderful chat. She began by telling me her amazing story of adoption through foster care. As it turned out, we work through the same agency, and know some of the same people. In fact, the first person that we met at LSSI was the first person she met at LSSI...amazing!!

She knew the heartache of thinking she was going to adopt a child and then have it fall through. I could relate to that because of losing our 3 children back in August. When she got her daughter, the goal was a 23, and our goals is a 23. The same birth parent issues were present with her situation as ours. The whole time she was talking I was just thinking about our situation and how similar they were.

Then I told her out story. I basically started at the beginning and told her all the drama up until now. I do not have the happy ending yet that she does, but it was just a reassurance to me that no matter what the road, God is in control.

That was obvious to me that night. God told me I needed to be there, and I did. He led Denise to bring the two of us together. He led me to Denise a couple of months ago to have a conversation that put the idea of getting the two of us together into her mind. Every little detail of our lives is already known by our amazing God. And yet, I am always blown away that he would care that much about ME! To put me in the right place at the right time.

I was so reassured and refreshed by this simple dinner at Panera's. My heart was warmed and it gave me the strength to get through this possibly long journey of hopeful adoption. Whatever the road, I know my God will carry me through!!

Lord thank you for caring enough about me to place wonderful people along my path!!

To Santa or Not to Santa....That is the Question

I am having a hard time doing the socially acceptable thing this year. I don't know why this year is so much more difficult than every other year. Our 3 kiddos are super obsessed with "Santa" and his seemingly amazing magnificence. I have never really had a problem doing the Santa thing in the past. I guess it was because our previous kids knew the true meaning of Christmas. They knew that the idea of Santa was just for fun, and so it was no big deal for me.

This year is so different, because we haven't had the kids long enough to really have that kind of impact. They think that because they asked Santa for something, they are automatically getting it. Cebastian asked for a car AND a motorcycle that you can drive around...Seriously? Those things are like $300 bucks each!! He's not even getting one of them!

I am trying hard to work with them about the true meaning of Christmas. They understand that it is Jesus' birthday, but to be honest, it's just not that important to them. I have absolutely NO Santa decorations in my house, only Nativity type things. Yet, still they practically worship Santa. I feel like as a society we spend so much time and energy trying to convince our children that Santa is real. "He knows when you are sleeping...He knows when you're awake..." Then they at some point find out that it was all a big lie. Then we turn around and expect them to believe us when we tell them that Jesus is real. How can we expect them to believe in Jesus when their idea of Santa was proven false?

So I am not doing the Santa thing...I don't know how to avoid it without crushing the past 3, 5, and 6 years of their Christmases, but I am working on that. I will not focus this holiday season on a lie. This is a time of celebration of the birth of our Savior. It is not a time to "worship" some imaginary being. All Santa does is teach us to be selfish and be good so we can get things for ourselves. I want to send the focus outward. Let's do something for someone else because of what Jesus came to do for us!!!

I do want to clarify that I have no problems with anyone else celebrating Santa...but for me it just doesn't feel right anymore. I want my children to trust that what I am teaching them is TRUTH. I will not begin our lives together on lies.

Lord help me get through this holiday season with YOU as the focus. Help my 3 children see that you are the reason for the season, and that Santa is just like Mickey Mouse or any other fictional character!! Only you can open their hearts to your love. Use me to guide them to you!!

New Beginnings

Everything is changing so quickly that it is hard for me to keep up my blog! We have a court hearing on December 20, and it is looking like these kids might finally get some closure. So I was asking my licensing worker the other day how long we had to wait after termination of parental rights to begin the adoption process. I was thinking that it was around 6 months, but I wasn't sure. She told me that the parents will have 30 days to appeal the termination. So on the 31st day we could begin the paperwork!! I couldn't believe it. The kids have to live with us for 6 months before we could actually adopt. Since Lacy moved in on October 29, that would be March 29. Basically, if everything goes as it should (and we all know how unpredictable court is!) we could be adopting these children in 6 months or so. Definitely within the year 2011. That will be a day to party!

But we have to get through the court hearing first. That is the first step that we need to face. I can't imagine a judge that would keep rights in place with what these parents are dealing with at this time!

Lord please be with us during this process. Help us to be patient and remember that your timing is perfect.

Our God is So Perfect

Life is such an amazing roller coaster that sometimes I am amazed we even survive it! The boys' sister, Lacy, moved in last Friday. Since then we have had a phone visit with the kiddos birthmom. It went well, but she got the boys so riled up it was difficult to reign them back in. On Wednesday, the boys went to their counseling session and then had a face-to-face visit with their mom. It was hard for me to let them go, but I just gave it to God. I know that he already knows how things are going to end, and I just have to trust in him.

Things went okay with the visit. The kiddos came home with a bunch of pictures from their past which were really interesting to look at. They had a ton of junk food and junk toys too. So even though I wasn't thrilled, I was able to accept that they were safe and I was just glad they were back home.

On Friday we got a phone call from our case worker that there was an update in the case. Mom has relapsed and will definetely go back to jail, possibly prison. Wow. How things changed in just 2 days! Selfishly, I am glad she decided to do it now, because it pretty much set her fate in concrete for our upcoming court hearing. On the flip side, my heart wrenches for her, because I want her to clean her life up. I did some online research (amazing what you can find out!) and learned a lot more about exactly why these kids can't be with their parents. It is just so sad. Drugs (hard stuff), theft, domestic abuse...and yet they are 3 of the happiest children I have ever met!

I thank God everyday that he knows what is best. Things are seeming to fall into place. We have signed intention to adopt papers and it is really looking like that may be our future with these three little ones. I just pray that when that time comes, the kids are okay with it. They do not see the terrible things that their parents were doing. They only remember the good stuff (of course!)

Lord, I fully trust you and I know you will make everything fall into place when the time comes! We pray that these children will see us as their parents and they will feel the love we have for them.

New Member of Our Family

Friday was the big day! The boys' sister moved in with us! The whole move-in went very smoothly. She was so excited and happy as were the boys. We had a crazy busy weekend so we haven't really settled into a routine yet. She went to her new preschool just for the morning today and she did very well there. Looking forward to the rest of the week!

Life Can Change On A Dime

Oh my! Life can change so abruptly that you wonder which way is up sometimes. 2 days ago I thought I had about 6 weeks to prepare for our new beautiful daughter. We were starting to talk about what we wanted to do in her room. I was making plans for daycare, and things were seeming to fall into place. On Monday, we had a visit with our caseworker and we found out that there were some complications with the timeline of the move. I can't go into all of the details on here, but basically he thought there MIGHT be a chance we would move her a little sooner than planned.

On Tuesday (yesterday), we get called from our caseworker that he wants to move our little girl THIS FRIDAY! While we are oober excited, we now have 2 days to prepare for her arrival (which by the way is more time, still, than we had to plan for the boys' arrival.) So I contacted the daycare, and they are able to get her in starting next week (phew!) We got the boys bunked together tonight, and I started putting all the clothes that my awesome sister-in-law gave us for her. Things are pretty much ready, but the room may not be quite as inviting as I wanted it to be for her arrival. The boys are SOO excited to have their sister in the same house as them.

Just when life seems to be settling down, a curve ball always seems to be thrown! I love it and wouldn't change a second of it.

On a side note, they boys spoke to their birth mom on Monday night also. I was trying to be open-minded to this, but deep in side I was still resistant to it. I told myself that if God didn't want to allow this phone call to happen, he would put a road block in the way. After the phone call, all I felt was sadness. My sadness was for their mom more than anything. The boys had to repeat themselves several times throughout the conversation, and it was just heartbreaking. Even though I don't think she could ever parent these 3 children, it is still sad to witness exactly what her limitations are.

Father, thank you so much for knowing what is best for us. Even though I resist, help me to obey your commands. Help me to honor you and do your will, and not what I think is best for me. You are my father, and you know what's best. Thank you for knowing the outcome even when I don't. Thank you for bearing the burden.

Updates

I had a long conversation with our caseworker tonight. I guess the kids' mom is back in rehab and wanting to talk to the boys. She wanted to get them cell phones and the caseworker said absolutely not (thank goodness!) The compromise is that we are to call her at rehab once every other week and the boys can talk to her for 2 or 3 minutes. Not too long to get them upset. I am a little nervous about this, but trust that God will take care of it. If it is not supposed to happen then he will put an obstacle in place to prevent it from happening. The other thing is mid-November or so they may try to do a parental visit with mom if she does everything she is supposed to between now and then.

The other big news is that we have a date for the boys' sister to move in! December 3 is the big day as long as nothing comes up between now and then to prevent it! We are excited that we will get to have Christmas together and have special bonding time! Hopefully everything goes smooth sailing from now until then.

Lord, I trust that you know what is best for these three little angels. Your timing is perfect and I am just going to trust your will. Thank you for all the blessings you have placed in our lives.

Are Premonitions Reliable?

So many things have happened in the past couple of weeks with my extended family, my immediate family, and my personal career. We have started transitioning the boys' sister by doing visits and they have been going great. She seems to really know what our expectations are and she is starting to really fit in with our family.

About 3 and a half years ago, when we found out we were INFERTILE, we were devastated. My now father-in-law (we'll call him Craig), told us not to worry. He said that sometimes he gets vivid visions (he called them premonitions I believe). He told us that he saw a BLONDE little girl in our future. At the time we took little comfort in his words. When we got a placement about 6 months after that statement and it was 3 African American children we chuckled about his comment. When it looked like they were our forever family, we thought Craig made a mistake.

Then everything changed and pretty soon we had two Caucasian boys living with us and we found out they have a sister. Then we meet their sister and she is blonde. COINCIDENCE? Maybe. So now we know that pretty soon she is going to come to live with us and there is a decent chance that we will adopt her and her two brothers. So today we went to our nephew's first birthday party. We had a good time hanging out with family and then we left.

A couple of hours later I got a text message from Craig. He asked if I remembered his premonition and I told him that I did. He said that today when she was sitting on the floor it was the exact same pose that he had seen in his VISION. (OK now that is weird). He also said that in his vision he couldn't see her face because he was somewhat behind her, and that is how they were sitting today! I told him that he was giving me goosebumps. Then he said that she doesn't know it yet, but he and her are going to have a special bond one day. He can feel it! Wow! Maybe this is it...maybe this is our FOREVER family...maybe Craig was right all along...maybe we just needed to wait for God's perfect timing. We shall see!

Lord, thank you for knowing what is best for us when we have no idea what your perfect plan is! Thank you for telling us no when we are fighting so hard to hear a yes. Thank you for reminding me that you are in CONTROL of my life!

This Crazy Roller Coaster We Call Life!

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have completely given EVERYTHING over to God. It is not easy. In fact, it is one of the hardest things in life to do. But when you do it the rewards are amazing!

Last Tuesday I got a phone call at work to do an interview at one of the brand new schools in our district. I was surprised, because it was for a position that I DIDN'T even apply for. It was one of these situations where my name was in the job bank, and they pulled it out. I was surprised and excited.

So I got to talking to one of my friends at work, and she had recently spoken to this principal about me. The conversation wasn't SPECIFICALLY about me, but my name came up. A few weeks later, I have an interview with her.

I was really excited about the position, but I told God it was in HIS hands. I wasn't worried or nervous about it. I just laid it all over to him. I was still hopeful, and I still wanted the job, but I left it up to him.

The interview went beautifully. I was confident in my answers and felt really good when I left.

Then it was the weekend, and we were gone. I barely even thought about the job.

Monday morning, as I'm walking in (later than usual) to school, I wondered to myself when I would hear about the job. I go into the office and I had a message. The principal was calling to let me know I had gotten the job!! I was ECSTATIC!!

So I am frantically running around trying to get everything in order for the job switch. I am letting the appropriate people know, and telling my family and friends. Things are going great. I am gathering as much information and as many resources as possible. Today I went over to the unit office to fill out some paperwork. When I got back to school I got a phone call from Brian.

He had heard from our caseworker. We are getting the sister permanently. It is not going to happen for a couple of months. We are going to do several more sibling visits so that she can get more used to us, but it is REALLY FINALLY happening! Everything is falling into place. When you truly trust God, he blesses you beyond your wildest imagination. Prayers have been answered in my life. Things I have been praying about for years. It was all for God's perfect timing.

I was beginning to think that I would never have a real teaching job. I was beginning to think that I would never have a real family. I thought I might never have a daughter. Could this be my family? Are these the children God meant for us all along? I will love and appreciate these children in a way that is different (not better or worse) than most can understand. When you desires something so badly for so long, it feels too good to be true when it all starts falling in place. How AWESOME is my God?!?

Lord, thank you for all the blessings that you have poured onto my family in the past few days. I am so undeserving, yet you provide nonetheless! You are AMAZING. Help me to continue trusting you for everything and giving it all to you!

God's Awesome Plan

I do not know Gods amazing plan for our lives, but what I do know is that after this weekend I never thought that there was ANY chance of getting the boys' sister on any kind of semi-permanent basis. We had a home visit this evening and our case worker was talking to us. He kept asking about how the weekend went. He just KEPT revisiting the question. At first I thought maybe something was wrong and that was what he was trying to get at. Then a few minutes later he mentioned that we used to have 2 boys and a girl. By this time my slow mind was catching up. So I said, "Is the separation of these three children a permanent separation?" And that was all I said.

He told me that their aunt had mentioned that she'd like to see all three kids living together. It is a really tough decision for her, because she absolutely adores the little girl....I couldn't believe my ears! My God is amazing. I did not have to do anything, he is softening her heart already. Now, nothing is decided, nothing is final, but she is THINKING! What a wonderful God we serve! I told my caseworker that we absolutely would be willing to house her, and the aunt would NEVER be cut out of these children's lives. He said that she was really wanting to meet us before she decided.

Keep praying that what is best for these three little ones works out sooner rather than later. Selfishly, I want her to be with the boys, but I don't know God's plan. I do know that he is an AWESOME God and I am proud to serve him!

Lord, I just pray your will be done, and that I bring you glory througout this whole entire process!!

The Weekend is Over

It is always bittersweet on Sunday evenings. I am so thankful for the time I got to spend with the family and with my church family as well, but sad that it's back to the grind of the work week. I am particularly sad this evening as we just returned the boys' sister to their aunt. I am feeling so much better after meeting their aunt and seeing her love for all three children. I am still, however, sad that they can't be with her full time. As soon as we left, the oldest said, "I wish my sister was still here." How sweet. They had their moments where there was bickering and pestering, but overall it was a love filled weekend. I can't count how many times I heard "I love you" come out of someone's mouth!

I don't know God's plan for these children, and I am not about to question what he has in mind. I am only going to continue to be prayerful for these three angels. I recently was talking to a group of women at my church and was asked to tell a little about our situation. It was extremely uncomfortable for me, because I don't like to draw attention to myself. But I remember saying that when you trust God, you trust him. It doesn't mean you trust him sometimes and other times you question him. I am human. There are times when I ask God "why." But I still believe that he knows what is best for all of us. I have also learned that just because bad things are happening does not mean I am being punished.

When the other three kids were returned home I thought for sure it was the wrong decision and couldn't believe it. Now I see that maybe that was the permanent family for us. Maybe this is and maybe it isn't. Only time will tell. That's the beauty of trusting God. I don't have to worry, because HE already knows the outcome!

Lord, help me to keep you in the forefront of my thoughts. Help me remember that your timing is always perfect. Thank you for loving me and blessing my family in so many ways!!

The Love of Children

I am so excited to have the boys' sister here for the weekend. She is just as sweet as pie and cute as a button. I was nervous as to how she would be coming home with me, but she just hopped in the van and was happy as a clam. She slept almost the whole way to our house. When the boys got home from school they were sooo excited. They gave her hugs and it was like they had never been apart. They doted all over her and made her feel really special.

We went to the corn maze later that evening and they had so much fun. They played together and they boys definitely made her a part of it. This morning when they woke up, they went right back to playing again. It is so nice that they can just pick up right where they left off.

It breaks my heart that our weekend is going to have to come to an end. Why can't they be together? It is so not fair (I know, I sound like a whiney teenager!) So, I did the only thing I could, the best thing to do in situations that are tough. I gave it to my God!

Lord, if it is your will, soften the hearts of those involved to see that being together is what these three children need. Through you, all things are possible. Nothing I can do or say will change this situation. But YOU can do anything. Only your will, Lord.

Children Who Hurt

I wish I could be there for every child who is hurting and in need of someone to love them. I see it on the faces of children that I work with at school.
...........so desperate for approval
.................in need of a hug
........................crying out for attention

I do what I can to be there for these kids, but what they go home to I have no control over. What I can control is the time I have with them and the time I have with my own children. My boys are so desperate to see there sister. I have been doing everything in my power to make that connection. I truly hope it works out this weekend, but I just don't know. This has always been my frustration with foster care. As good as intentions are, things fall through. Getting these 2 boys to see their sister is NOT a priority for most people. We've tried calling the aunt directly and going through the caseworker...no success. Maybe this time will be different.

Tonight they get to go see "Miss Mary." She is wonderful and the boys really look forward to these visit times. I just pray that this also goes through. The boys have been so deeply hurt and they deal with it through laughter. We find them laughing about things that are totally not laughing matters. It breaks my heart.

Lord help your light shine through me and into these boys. They are thirsty for love and knowledge of your word. Help them know you like I know you. Let them lean on you when their hearts are aching.

Difficulties Begin

So...whenever things seem to be going too good to be true, they probably are! Things had been going really smoothly with the boys for about 2 weeks, and then the honeymoon period was over! One of the boys has gotten uber stubborn about eating!! If it is new, he won't touch it. Even if we go out to eat, and he picks what he is having for dinner he still is really stubborn about trying it. I know this trouble is minor in the skeem of things, but it is still VERY frustrating! Please pray that we have the patience to deal with his screaming temper tantrums (seriously like a 2 year old) and that we find a way to get through to him!!

Lord, be with us as we train these children. Give us the patience and wisdom to do what is best for these boys.

Is Reliability a Lost Art?

I am so frustrated by unrealiableness (if that is really a word). People make commitments and then do not keep them. I am fully aware that things come up. It happens. It has happened to me on more than one occasion. When you let down adults, they have coping strategies and can figure out a way to deal with it. When you let down kids, it's not the same. It tears a tiny piece of them away. They may not show it on the surface. It's like taking a big rock and chipping a tiny piece of it away. No big deal if it happens a time or two. After many chippings, however, the rock begins to change shape. It is no longer the same rock. The same is true for children. Each time an adult who is supposed to be a huge part of their life lets them down, it changes them. Healthy, well-rounded kids, recover easily. Broken, torn apart children do not. They learn soon that they can rely on no one. Trust is not easily given any longer. Their self esteem begins to gradually disappear.

I am not going to get on a high horse and pretend that I have never let down a child. It happens. I understand. I am not talking about disappointments that are part of life, like not getting a toy they wanted or getting to see the movie they wanted to see. I am talking about saying you will be there for them and then NOT. Telling them you'll see them every other Wednesday and then having conflicts. These are the kiddos that we need to make SURE we follow through for!

Children, who in their life have one adult in the past year + that has been consistent need to be able to rely on that person. She needs to be there for them. Especially when she is their therapist who is trying to work out all their issues. One of their major issues is that NO ONE has been there for them. They went from mom, to an aunt (who decided she didn't want them), to a foster home away from their sister (because a different aunt didn't want them), to another foster home. Finally they are somewhere that no one will give up on them, but they don't know that!! How can they be sure? How can they trust? How can they let go and truly love and be loved?

Lord, be the one thing these children can rely on. All others are human (0urselves included) and will fail them in this life! You never fail us. No matter how undeserving we are, you never ever fail. You are the only thing that can truly fill any of our voids. Fill their void, Lord.

My Heart Breaks For These Boys

Everyday, I am amazed by how these two boys can have such a positive outlook on life. They are so happy and easy going. It's crazy after all they've been through. But every once in a while, a tiny tidbid of their past life comes out.

Tonight
We are sitting in the car waiting for Brian to get some pizzas at Papa Murphy's. In that ten minute time frame we discussed everything from Hannah Montana, Justin Bieber(?), Barack O'bama, and Michael Jackson. Somewhere in that mix, they tell me that their mom has 1099 DVDs at her house. I say, "Oh, where does your mom live?" Really I am just being nosy as to what they truly know about their mom. Their response is that she is living in the hospital and she is really really sick. She didn't want them to get sick so that's why they can't be with her. I suppose it is some version of the truth, and so I left it at that. I did not provide any information about their mom.

In the car on the way home
One of the boys tells us "a really funny story" (according to him). He tells us that they were sleeping one night, all in the same bed. They were awoken to the sound of their dad getting arrested. He then tells us that their dad went to jail, because he was hitting their mom. "They were having a hitting race." He was laughing as he was telling us this story. Now, surely, the laughter is a defense mechanism. I pray that they really don't think it is funny for men to hit women or vice versa.

Our response
I am so sorry you boys had to see that. I promise you that in our home you will never see us hit each other. It is not nice for people to hit. Especially people who love each other. You don't have to worry about that here.

What else could we say?

Lord I pray that we say the right things when the kiddos open up to us. Give us your words so that they might find YOU!

Is There Anyone Out There Who Cares?

The boys were supposed to go to visit their sister this weekend, and at the last minute it fell through. Now, I am sure that the aunt's reasons were valid, however I have been burnt many times by people's excuses! She had an emergency and Iam not going to judge her based on this one situation. It's not my place to judge anyway.

With all that being said, I found out more disturbing information. As I was talking to the boys about our upcoming trip to St. Louis, they became very excited. They realized that St. Lou is where Six Flags is. So I ask them, "Have you ever been to Six Flags?" They replied that they had not, however once when they were staying at their aunt's house the whole family got to go. They hired a baby-sitter to come stay with the boys. Why on earth would you go to Six Flags if you weren't going to take everyone? I am so frustrated by what seems like the lack of care for these boys! We adore them, and can't imagine not wanting to spend our time with them.

So I find myself wondering if anyone really cares for these boys? Who in their life is willing to make sacrifices for them? They have done nothing to deserve this! They did not choose their situation. They want to please and are so desperate for love and attention! I pray that we can be their somebody. We will give them all the love we have to give and then some! How can we not? God has placed them in our lives and we don't half-do things. We are all in!

Thank you Jesus for sending these children to our home. Let your love be known to these boys.

You Just Never Know

The children had their counseling session this evening and we were anticipating the possibility of a visit with their birthmom. We hadn't heard anything definete, but it was supposed to be happening since she had moved from jail to rehab. I dropped the kiddos off and ran some errands. When I got back to the agency, their counselor told me that they just found out that mom walked out of rehab. Just like that, she decided she didn't want to do it.



So now, there is a warrant out for her arrest. If they can catch her she will go straight back to jail. If she takes off, she will be on the loose until they catch up with her. Either way, the children will not be subjected to visiting with her. We are so thankful that they didn't see her tonight, just to not see her again for a while. I think that would be so much worse. To see her, and then not see her for months again.



I don't know what God has planned for these children, but I have put my total faith in Him. We didn't understand when the other kids had to return home, but now we see that He had other plans for us. I don't know if these are permanent plans or if they will move on too. All I know is that I am here to serve my Lord. I will do as I am told. Praise God!

Living in the Light and Leaving Darkness Behind

I have been thinking a lot about hate in the past couple of days. Our pastor preached an amazing sermon on Sunday about the topic and I can't get it off of my mind. I've never thought that I was a hater. I don't even like the word. After listening to him preach, however, I found out that I am, in fact, a hater. He said that hate is not simply what we would normally think of (murder, wishing ill will, etc.). Resentment and jealously fall into the same category as hate.

This is where I find myself. Too often, I fall into the "why" trap....Why can she have babies left and right and I can't? Why won't she take care of her kids? If that was my child, I would...I realize now, that I am no better than all the "shes" I am referring to. I question my God, my Savior, my Creator. Who am I to judge these moms. I don't know what they have been through. I don't know what it is like to have an addiction that I just can't shake. I don't know what it is like to have been through a tragedy like Katrina.

Yet, here I sit thinking that I am better than them. Thinking that I am more deserving of children. You have no idea how disgusted I feel with myself. The tears that I can't stop from flowing after I discovered my realization. No, I don't agree with the choices that people make. Still, I am to love the people, not the choices. To love is to walk in the light of Christ. To hate is to stumble in the darkness. I have been living in the darkness and not even realizing it.

I am recommitting myself to change this thinking. I am no longer judging these mothers of children that are in foster care...at least I am trying really hard not to. I am going to look at them as people that need the help and love that only Jesus Christ can provide. Only He can fulfill the holes that every one of us has in our life. So from here on out, I am no longer judging. I am only going to try to help anyone who needs Christ in their lives. I NEED Christ in my life, and I want His light to shine through me.

Lord, help me walk in the light and stay out of the darkness. Let your light shine through me.

Foster Parents Again

Well, we now have 2 more family members. Ashton and Cebastian came to stay with us yesterday evening. We were nervous because of all that they have been through. They came in and made themselves right at home. They were so excited to go to a new school and meet new friends. We spent some time talking to our new caseworker and he gave us as much information as he could. The boys did everything we asked them to, including going to bed!

Tonight, they have been a little more relaxed, and we have begun to train them in our routine. There are a few things that we have had to remind them about. They will have to learn that we expect them to obey us when we tell them. They are so sweet, though. They just want to please us and for us to be proud of them. It is going to be a wonderful journey.



In the past, we have just waited and waited for parental rights to be terminated, and kind of got caught up in all of that. This time, we are just going to enjoy the time we have together, and see where God leads us. This is His plan and not ours. I keep reminding myself of that fact!

More info on the Placement

I was shocked to find out that after Brian and I spoke yesterday afternoon, he called back and was able to get ahold of our licensing worker. He was able to ask some more of the questions that we wanted answers to. The boys' mom is in jail, not sure how long or what she did. The court has petitioned for termination of rights (or goal 24 in legal terms). That goal has not been changed yet, but mom is not getting any visits as of right now. They have a sister that is either 2 or 3 years old and she is living with a relative. The boys visit with the sister once per week. The relative(s) do not want the boys. (how sad) They have lived with a foster family for at least a year and have been noted as physically agressive based on 2 incidences. 1 was when one of the boys hit a dog with a wiffle ball bat (early in the placement) and the other is when one of the boys through a rock and broke a windshield (this is what has put the foster parents over the edge). Neither of those things seem like a big deal to me, the boys just need to be taught appropriate behaviors. Both boys have IEPs for speech, which is no big deal at all.

That's basically what we know for now and we have until Monday to make our decision (which has already been made, but we are not posting it here until we speak to our case worker).

Lord, we are so blessed. Thank you for all you have given to us.

Faith in Foster Care...Again?

So, just when we are starting to adjust to being "empty nesters" as I like to call it, we get a call today. It's a foster care placement for 2 boys ages 5 and 6. The parental rights are not terminated, however mom is in jail. What does God want us to do here? There are so many questions that I would have asked if I took the call. Brian took the call, and he wasn't really interested at first, so he didn't ask a lot of questions.

Now, we will think about this all weekend and wonder if it is God's will for us to take these children or not. I am not one that can be tapped on the shoulder by God...I need to be knocked upside the head with a 2x4. The problem is that I am ALWAYS one to take in the "strays" that no one else wants. So sometimes my heart is already sold on an idea no matter what my head says.

God make it clear to us if this is your will. We will listen.

Lifebook Training....a little too late

I love to scrapbook. I think it is so neat to have a nice book put together off all your memories. So when the kiddos lived with us, I put together a scrapbook for each kid. Well then they got full, so I started a second book for each kid. I wonder if they will look through those books and remember us fondly. I sure hope so.

So, today in the mail, I got a notice from our agency for lifebook training. This is somewhat like a scrapbook, but I really don't know the differences. Now, I have to go to this training (it's mandatory) with no kids to make one for. How I would have loved to know what should be included in a lifebook for our previous kids. I hope everything is there!

I will take the knowledge that I gain from the training and apply it to future kids. I am saddened, though, that I won't be able to put my ideas onto paper right away.

I pray that God will give me the comfort to go through this class. I pray that I will benefit from the training and apply to my future.

God's Grace Revealed Again

So, ever since the kids left I have been feeling a little nervous. I work in education and this year there have been a ton of cuts. I was really concerned that I would not be called back to my position. I have been prayerful over the past week that God reveal his plan for me. We will lose the income from having the kids placed with us. To combine that with a loss of a job was almost unbearable for me. I have been trying really hard to cast my worry upon the Lord. Nevertheless, I have been losing sleep over the potential of not having a job.

So this morning, I was headed into the school to help a friend get her classroom ready. I was praying the whole way for God to show me what I need to do. During my drive, I received a possible job offer from a daycare where I used to work. It would only be part time, but that would be better than nothing. I loved the daycare I worked at, but it was not my passion. I have a passion for working in the school and co-teaching with a great friend. I someday even hope to have a classroom all of my own.

When I arrived at the school, I spoke to the principal and she had still not been given the authority to offer me the position. There was all this red tape about seniority. Bear in mind that teachers return to school in 3 days. After being at the school for less than an hour, and the whole time thinking about the potential job at the daycare, God made it clear that I needed to be in this classroom. I needed the job as much as my dear friend needed me. Long story short, my principal was given the go-ahead to offer me the position. God showed me where I needed to be and revealed his grace to me yet again.

Throughout my life there has been this pattern of me trying to "fix" things on my own and then God showing me that I need to rely on HIM! Knowing this is easy, but for me, giving up the control has always been difficult. I praise God for his grace! I praise him for blessing me even when I lack faith. My God is soooo good!

This has been a very difficult week, and I am so thankful that God knows the outcome even when I do not!

Faith in the People that God Has Strategically Placed in Our Lives!

Wow! I am so completely overwhelmed right now. We just had an amazing service at church. The message really hit home with what we have been dealing with this past week. This was my most difficult day since the kids went home. It was so hard to be at church without them. They have become such a part of our church family. Many of the people that we have gotten to know, we got to know because of the kids.



With all of that being said, the people in our church absolutely amaze me! I have not cried since Monday when the kids left. Today I have been a blubbering case of tears. They are not really tears of sadness though. They are tears of gratitude to all the people that love us and care enough about us to tell us. They have been prayerful and encouraging. We have been so blessed to be in their lives.



I know God placed us in this church for many reasons. I also know that there are many reasons that we don't know. One of the reasons that I believe we were placed there was for today. We needed support of Christian friends. We needed those hugs. We needed good friends to cry with us and to give God the glory for this situation. It is overwhelming to know how many people have been praying all week for us.



I hope that all of you are as blessed as we are with your support system. I pray that when the time comes, I am able to give God the glory and be there for other people during their trials. I tend to sit back because I can't find the words that are necessary. I need God to help me take the risk and show people love like we were shown today.



Thank you Grace Church for being such a blessing to us!

Court Hearing Results

We had our court hearing on Monday 8/9/10. The judge listened to all the evidence that was presented. Our CASA worker recommended that the children not go back to their mother. The same recommendation was heard from the state's attorney, the case worker, DCFS, and the guardian ad lidem. Then her attorney spoke and he recommended that the kids return home quickly. After hearing all the evidence, the judge decided that the kids return home immediately. So at 3:30 we left the court house and by 8:00 that evening the kids were back with their bio mom for good. Our lives were turned upside down when these children were placed in our home and once again our life has been turned upside down. They left us as quickly as they came. After 2.5 years I would have hoped that the judge would have had enough heart to let us say goodbye properly.

With all that being said, I am so fortunate to have a great support system. My family has been amazing through this. Our friends have overwhelmed us with their kind words and support. We know that God placed these children with us for a reason, and apparently that reason has been fulfilled. We have to look at the big picture and what is best for the children. Being with their mother must be the intention that God has. We must have a different road to travel now.

So now we adjust back to the life of two. It is hard to walk by their rooms and see the empty beds. It has been torture to go through all their belongings and put them up. However, we are thankful that God answered our prayers and a permanent decision has been made.

For now we will take a break from foster care. I don't think we will take another placement unless parental rights have been terminated. It is too difficult. We will wait for the children God has intended us to raise. We will pray that his plan be revealed to us!

Postponed

Court was postponed to next Monday.

Faith in the Court System

Tomorrow we have a court hearing. It is the six month check up basically. It always makes me nervous to go to court because everything falls into the hands of the judge. I just always pray that the Lord is working through our judge. This time, we are pretty sure that we are just going to get a continuation. We've heard that the kids' mother's attorney is not going to be present. It is unlikely that anything will happen without her judge present. My heart wrenches for these children who've been put through termoil for 2.5 years and the system just keeps putting off a decision. I pray that something is decided soon for their permanency. Whether it be for them to go back home or to stay with us, I just pray that God gives me the compassion and courage to deal with it.

Life is Good

My kids are so sweet. This morning I woke up hearing "Happy Birthday to Mommy, Happy Birthday to Mommy, Happy Birthday Dear Mommy, Happy Birthday to You!" How sweet. As often as I get frustrated because the kids don't listen, or they make a big mess, or they completely disregard everything I feel like I have taught them, they are really sweet. Every once in a while we have a moment where I really think that I might be getting through to them. God's grace is so good to have blessed me, the most undeserving person, with this family no matter how temporary it is :)

The biggest step of faith

Wow!

I have tried doing the blog thing a couple of different times and have never really stuck with it. Lately I have read a couple of blogs from some of the strongest women I know, and they truly inspired me to try it. My story is no worse or more inspirational than anyone else's. I do not have trouble opening up about the things that we have been through, but sometimes I feel like people don't really care. So, this way it's up to you if you want to read or not!!



About 3 years ago we found out that we are infertile. The question repeatedly comes out "whose fault is it?" It doesn't matter. We are a team and this is God's will. Knowing that God had other plans for us, we immediately started talking about which avenue we wanted to journey.

Foster care has always been something I felt led to do. We went into it with the intentions of adopting only. God led us a different way. For the past 2 1/2 years we have been fostering 3 siblings. Their goal is still to return home to their birthmother. It has been a roller coaster of emotions. We still don't know where their permanent home is. The stress this causes us is nothing compared to the stress it puts on these three children.

We can question it all we want, but ultimately God knows what he is doing. These are not OUR children they belong to HIM! (As easy as it is to type that...it is much harder to actually practice it). We have seen them shed tears time and time again not knowing what is expected of them, because it changes based on where they have been that day. We continually pray that our words are Godly words and that HIS light may shine through us.